I feel the need to sleep so much lately. It is starting to frustrate me. I'm not doing much productive with my days. And it means that I am more awake at night. I need to change this but I don't quite know how. Feeling triggered so much lately has really been taking it out of me. I have also been having particularly bad nightmares lately. It always feels like I need to sleep longer when I'm having dreams filled with nightmares, I don't know why.

I visited Mum again tonight. She's so... Naive... Talking about her relationship in a way that clearly shows me that she has no idea what the give and take of a relationship should feel like. She frustrates me. I don't want to be there. I'm always staring at the clock. An hour and a half and I can tell she will be satisfied enough. Why doesn't one of the other parts talk to her? She's boring and so ignorant of life. Maybe I'm only starting to see that since therapy. I just wish I knew what the hell she did that made the others so damn scared of her.

Today has been a difficult day... I went to see my therapist this morning.

One part was talking about feeling awful body memories of being extremely chilled to the bone. With the cold feeling comes this lack of energy that seems to mean we can't really move and an awful feeling "down there". Then a child part came out and said that another part keeps saying we were put in an "ice chest" and asked what that was... I've also never heard that term other than when that part inside says it so I wanted to know too... My therapist explained that it was a deep freezer, lying on it's side with a lid. Then the child part said "with a lock?" as there has always been an image in our head of exactly what he described, except that it had a lock... It's the first time I've connected the body memory with the image and the knowledge that I was put in there... Probably raped afterwards...

I feel incredibly sad at this knowledge. I was still reeling a bit after the session.

My therapist looked so sad when I was talking to him about this stuff. It makes it so much easier for me to tell him stuff when he has those really pained looking eyes. Like a big, harmless puppy dog. He makes me feel better by looking like that because it makes me realize how not all people are mean and sadistic like my abusers.

The session was difficult and it's meant that I have felt really drained for the rest of the day. I just came home and lay in bed. I haven't been able to manage much else for the rest of the day... I helped cook risotto with my housemate, that's about all. I was really glad he invited me to cook risotto with him, it was really yummy, comforting food after having to confront some really awful stuff...

I can't hardly remember what's been going on the past few days...

I haven't got any energy at the moment. I usually read and write lots on here during the evenings but lately, everything has been a huge struggle. I've got the feeling I might have been triggered a bit lately but I'm not sure why...

## Maybe it's from my last session with my therapist. We talked about some things and I gave him some more insight into my dreams and some other memories flashback things. ##

I don't remember that... But now that I've read that bit I'm getting really awful feelings of arousal and body memories. I HATE THAT!!! I WANT IT TO STOP!!! I WANT THE AWFUL BODY MEMORIES TO GO AWAY!!!
Gee that was effective... I must remember to yell that in my head more often... I just wish I knew what memories the others were trying to release. Or maybe I'm glad to not know...

I went to see my therapist today. I can't remember most of the session because he spoke to one of the ones who is mute and will only write. I have no idea what might have been written or if it would have been any help to him in dealing with me. Last session he read us a children's story called "The Rainbow Fish". The little ones enjoyed it. He wanted to read us Dr Seuss today but he had left it in his car. For some reason we feel apprehensive about that. I think we might have had one of those books when we were little but I could never remember it... If he suggests it again, hopefully someone older can check that it will be ok first.

Later in the day my housemate invited me to go to coffee with him and my ex-boyfriend. I went and we all did the crossword. I think I need to stop seeing my ex-boyfriend. Later in the day I realized I had been to coffee with both of them and hadn't remembered. I think I am still heavily dissociating the time I've spent with my ex-boyfriend because of my past experiences of being abused by him.

It was a beautiful, sunny day today. I hope it is like that again tomorrow. I would like to go for a long walk and get some more washing done...

My sleeping has been so weird lately... I was good last night and went to bed at a sensible time (at least I think I did, I can't actually remember right now). I had weird and awful dreams as usual. I woke up at about 6am today, all bright and bubbly, but I didn't want to get up in case I disturbed my housemate.

So I fell back asleep again. I felt absolutely dead to the world whenever I slightly awoke from sleep from then on. I'm wondering if that is a particular personality influencing me. I had those awful body memories and couldn't bring myself to drag myself out of bed until about 4:30pm!

I had a gig this evening. It was good to just sing for a bit. I needed that release. I felt crap that no-one I knew decided to turn up. I often wonder if I'm even the smallest bit important to anyone who knows me...